Having rested for three days, I open the Bible. I open it at random, just to read something which is still a word coming from God. It opens before me at page 769, and my eye falls on verses 25-31 of Psalm 17, Book I.31 And the Lord speaks:
“Isn’t that perhaps what you can say about yourself?
“At one time - I loved you with my perfection, but you did not love Me with your perfection, for, even if there was remembrance of Me in your heart, there were affections even stronger than the affection offered to Me - you did not deserve my reward. You remember that time. And I, too, remember it. You had come away from your boarding school wholly fragrant with God, like a Temple virgin fragrant with the scent of ritual incense. And I had already chosen you.
“When did I choose you? Do you want to know? In reality, when a soul was created for you, for no human destiny is unknown to eternal Thought. But the little Maria, kept alive by my will in spite of the unhappy circumstances in which you were born and which accompanied you in the months when you were a suckling angel, was mine when she shed her first tears before the Divine Being in his deposition from the Cross. He asked me for you. And I gave you with a smile of satisfaction. For your sake in Heaven He repeated - and conveyed to the Father and the Paraclete - his ‘Let the little children come to Me.’
“There are only the lips of children to take away the pain of his wounds - children in age and children in will. Those who, out of love for Him and obedience to the Master, ‘become like little children to receive the Kingdom of Heaven.’32 God’s Delight, Mary the Virgin Mother, is the perfect child rejoicing in the Kingdom of Heaven. The souls of adults who are ‘children’ are as rare as pearls of a perfect roundness and marvelous size. But children in age all possess that soul, as if not yet profaned, which brings delight to God and relief to Christ. And the Son wanted you from that point on. Every innocent tear earned you his kiss; every kiss, a grace; and every grace, a betrothal to Divine Love.
“It is not an error to look back so as to be able to intone the Magnificat and the Miserere. And you were able to intone your Magnificat until you left boarding school. You were entirely God’s. A single altar in you. And a single love. The lily with a barely halfopen calix was filled only with heavenly dew and divine sunbeams. Then the world came. And, with it, many other altars and many other loves. The usurpers of ‘my’ place. And they lasted as long as I willed. I could also not have so willed. And there will be some who say, ‘It was a dangerous experiment.’ No, it was necessary. The apostles were humiliated by their defection from Christ, during which every branch of corrupt humanity got the upper hand in them and they were again gripped and shaken and incited by all that disturbs man. And they understood that all they had become which was different was not by their merit alone, but because they were with Christ. And pride, the corrupter of man, was broken in them. It is necessary to do this with all those chosen for a special destiny so that they will not lose their election by forfeiting my love. The usurpers of my place in you fell one by one. And your God alone became your King again, to whom you sang the Miserere of your wise repentance.
“Now, daughter, look at the past and the present. Look at that time of many loves: for man, knowledge, and yourself, and observe the present time, since there has once again been only one love. For Me. And tell me. Tell me with your soul, listening to it alone, the only one with a true, valuable voice. Don’t you have everything now? Haven’t you had everything since you became mine? Many, who are foolish, will say, ‘She has nothing! Neither health nor joy nor well-being.’ But your soul, which sees with its eyes as a soul, says, ‘I have everything now, even what is a holy surplus.’ If what falls beyond what is strictly necessary to ascend to God can be termed a surplus.
“You have your special mission as a spokesman. But, beyond this, which is a gift, and it is not necessary to have it to be among the beloved, you have God’s agreement regarding your desires. Why? Because, as the Psalm states, ‘The Lord has rewarded me according to my justice, according to the purity of my hands in his sight.’
“I am infinitely, divinely munificent with the just and pure in heart. Good to the weak, I am perfectly good to those able to be strong in my love. And since I am Love, I must force Myself not to be weak towards those who are at fault. I grant them the mercy of my Son. I grant the multitude of my gifts to my children. And I save and enlighten and free and fortify them increasingly, and I lead them, taking them by the hand along my immaculate way, instructing them with my Word tempered in the Fire of Divine Love.
“It is that way with you, soul of mine that have placed your love and all your trust in Me. Do not be afraid, flower of God. There is not a single one, from the microscopic flowers in frozen lands to the gigantic flowers in torrid zones, that I leave without the dew, light, and warmth needed for their delicate lives. And they are steles! But what care will the flowers of my souls receive from their Creator? Do not be afraid, flower of God, beaded with the pearls of the blood and tears of the Son and the Virgin. With these gems and your faithfulness, you are very dear to Me. Sing the Magnificat forever.
“The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are with you.”
O Lord, Lord! You say so, and it must be true. Everything must have been necessary. But what an occurrence was your abandonment of me last year! You see this. You are not unaware of the sensations of hearts. There are wounds which hurt after the process of healing at even the slightest graze. At times they hurt through the sympathetic nerves even when they are touched or the opposite member is. Cut nerves ache even after the wound has closed. And your abandonment, even now, when You have pulled me back over your heart, is a wound which always brings pain because it cut the nerve joining me to You. I do not ask, “Why did You do it?” I only say, “You know what your abandonment was like for me! “
Today I trembled on writing “April 10.” For a year ago today You left your poor flower without dew, light, or warmth. And I nearly died on this account. For I have given You everything, and if I still had anything else, I would give it to You. But never give me a trial like that again. You see that my wretchedness cannot endure it.
I sing, of course. I sing my Magnificat! I also say to You, “I have not really deserved your doing ‘great things’ in me.” But my song is forever mixed with tears because, as a child who has gone through a period of abandonment in infancy no longer has the serene face of happy children, so, too, I always bear in mind your abandonment last year. Jesus is right! Mary is right! What is unendurable in “our passion” is being abandoned by You, Father....
As I write this, the little lamp perpetually burning before Jesus is lit up again. The little star shining alongside my heart before my crucified Jesus. It had been extinguished for a year.... My cell, my tabernacle, and my paradise no longer possessed light. And this occasioned me sùch great affliction....
I have received everything from your love. But also so much from your sternness. Darkness, solitude, and what your Son termed “hell.” I am left like a bird that by pure good fortune has escaped from its torturers. I am afraid.... On all sides I see nets and cages and tortures.... Lord, have mercy....
31 In the Vulgate. In the Hebrew text, Psalm 18:25-31.
32 Matthew 18:1-5; Mark 10:13-15; Luke 18:15-17.