This morning37 He had [a smile] for me, too....
I had fallen into such complete discouragement that I started to cry over so many matters, not the least of which is the exhaustion of writing, and writing with the conviction that so much goodness of God and so much effort by the little John are really futile. And I called upon my Master in tears, and then when, by his goodness, He came just for me, I told Him what I was thinking. He shrugged as if to say, “Forget about the world and its foolishness,” and then caressed me, saying:
“What’s the difference? Wouldn’t you like to go on helping Me? Does the world not want to know my words? Well then, let’s say them to each other, for the sake of my joy in repeating them to a faithful heart and yours in hearing them.
“The exhaustion of the apostolate...! More debilitating than that of any other work. It takes away the light of the calmest day and the sweetness of the sweetest food. Everything turns into ash and mud, nausea and gall. But, soul of mine, these are the hours when we take up the burden of the exhaustion, doubt, and indigence of the worldly, who die from not possessing what we have. And they are the hours when we do most. I told you this last year, too.
“The soul overwhelmed by what overwhelms the world - that is, by the waves sent by Satan - wonders, ‘To what purpose?’ And the world drowns. But the soul nailed to the cross with her God does not drown. For an instant she loses the light and sinks under the nauseating wave of spiritual exhaustion and then emerges fresher and more beautiful.
“Your saying, ‘I am no longer good for anything’ is a consequence of this weariness. You would never be good at anything. But I am always who I am, and, therefore, you will always be good at your task as a spokesman. Of course, if I saw that, like a weighty and very precious jewel, my gift was being greedily hidden, used imprudently, or by neglect not given protection with the guarantees made necessary by human wickedness to be employed in such cases to preserve both the gift and the creature to whom the gift is given, I would utter my ‘Enough!’ And this time with no turning back. Enough for everyone, except for my little soul, who today truly resembles a small flower under a downpour.
“And, with these caresses, can you doubt that I love you? Come on! You helped Me in wartime. Go on helping Me now.... There is so much to do.”
And I calmed down under the caress of my Jesus’ long hand and very sweet smile - He is white, as always when He is just for me.
May 5, 1945
Jesus says:
“Little John, come with Me, for I must have you write a lesson for consecrated people today. See and write.”38
37 This passage is not dated and may be either the 4th ot the 5th. The preceding sentence refers to Jesus’ “smile of compassion.”
38 We pass over the following eighty handwritten pages, which contain the episode of the “Healing of the Little Roman Girl” and eight other episodes found in The Second Year of the Public Life, dated May 5-14, 1945.